Great Wolf Weekend

My triceps and hamstrings hurt, I'm partially deaf in my right ear and completely deaf in my left, and my ring finger has been bent backward, a portion of its fingernail ripped off. I am sunburned, still woozy and sleep-deprived. My abs are sore and my contacts are soaking in saline to rest my weary eyeballs. My hair is unruly from chlorine and I'm a touch dehydrated. This can only mean one thing: it was another successful Great Wolf weekend.

For the past few years, my family and I have spent a weekend with my children's friends and their families in the popular water park in the Poconos. Our original group of about 15 people has ballooned to more than 60 from approximately 18 families. It is a much-anticipated family tradition of water fun and frolic with friends. We love it.

Myriad indoor water rides abound at Great Wolf Lodge, a veritable feast for the senses the moment we set foot there. Those double doors swung open and thick chlorinated steam hit me like a Beluga whale, carnival music queued in my head.  My three daughters delighted in the splish-splashy fun in store as the lifeguard-clad teenagers, whistles around their necks and Disney-esque smiles (in a good way), handed me a dozen heavily starched white towels.  Ubiquitous signs reminded us to have fun but not to run or dive.

My children's favorite?  The family slide. Sounds innocuous enough, right?  Guess again. It registers high on the excite-o-meter, but keeping up with my 12-year-old daughter, Charista, and her friends certainly reminded me I was a middle-aged dentist and had the body of one.  I felt the burn in my legs, trekking repeatedly up the 2-3 flights of stairs. Navigating slippery water park steps, scantily clad and barefoot, is harder than it looks.

At the top we were asked to step lively into a round, yellow raft, and then abruptly kicked into motion by a Croc-wearing, tousled-hair young man with abs for days (as my daughter's friend noted). Teen heartthrob then ordered us to keep all appendages within the raft at all times and to please not panic and let go, should we become airborne. What?!

We hurled down the twists and turns at top speed, mostly backwards, various body parts bumping the sides of the slide and each other. I kept my eyes shut tightly, mapping a plan of emergency protocol should our adventure go awry, and quietly prayed until it was over, which eventually it was. Phew.
My attempts to explain to my three kids that I unfortunately cannot partake any further watery thrills were futile. My 9-year-old twins, Tatiana and Angelica, grabbed my hand and led me to their second favorite attraction: The Froggy Challenge. Yes, that's right, Froggy Challenge.

The point of this ride was to hop along a length of a pool, balancing from one absurdly wobbly lily pad to the next, each free-floating and quite slick. You're to make your way across six lily pads on one of two paths, without falling into the murky pool depths below in which the aforementioned lily pads were anchored.

On the bright side, there was a rope ladder above onto which one may grab for balance.  On the down side, it seemed superhero legs and keen balance were integral for this and unfortunately I seemed to have misplaced them both on my four-hour drive to this Poconos oasis the day before in rush-hour traffic. But I digress.

The twins begged me to try it.

Now mind you, my kids know I'm game for anything. You want Mommy to expose her always-covered, less-than-perfect thighs all day in a swimsuit in which I wouldn't otherwise ever be caught dead in the name of family fun? Sure, I can do that! And what? This weekend allows me NOT to wear any makeup, for fear that my mascara will transform me into Alice Cooper after a few hours of being dunked in grossly warm, public pools with hundreds of others? Bring it on! But this? No way, Jose.

Needless to say, the twins convinced me. There I stood, ridiculously frozen at the Froggy Challenge starting line, amidst all the little kids waiting their turn.  I really must love my kids, I thought.  I tried to observe the adventurers who went before me, trying to pick up any helpful hopping hints. Pathetic.

Make no mistake, it looked hard.  I almost changed my mind, but not before I became rattled and rushed by a bunch of snot-nosed little boys behind me, who started yelling at me that it was my turn and to go, go, go. Even the grungy lifeguard made eye contact and chirped his whistle impatiently at me, as if to signal, hurry up, lady, and do it already. A quick Hail Mary, and I hopped right on.  Note to self: Forget bathing suit next year and lounge in the cabana with the other, more self-respecting moms.

Beginners luck saw me safely to the second lily. My tight grasp of the ropes up above made my knuckles white. Proceeding carefully along, I smiled a nervous, insane smile, secretly hoping that nobody had an iPhone at the ready to capture what must've been my most pathetic image and make it Facebook photo post of what not to do at Great Wolf, even if your kids beg.

I mentally blocked out the ambient noise, but could still hear my children rooting for me, with their "Way to go, Mommy!" cheers.  Soon I found myself half-way through the challenge, on the fifth lily pad, starting to feel proud of myself but still trying my best to look thin as possible every step of the way (trust me, this is what almost all moms over 35 are thinking almost every minute of the time when in swimwear).

Then it happened:  I slipped. Panic overcame me, but I managed to grab the rope above and quickly regained my balance. Disaster averted! I took a deep breath and jumped onto the lily pad No. 6.  Only two more to go.  Now I see in the corner of my eye that the twins' little pals and some of their parents had stopped in their tracks to see what my kids' commotion was all about. Oh great. Just what I need. An audience.

I slipped again.

Instantly, I was almost completely horizontal, in an undignified position as one can be found, hanging onto the overhead ropes for dear life, wishing everyone watching had lost interest and walked away. Yeah, right. Would you pass up the chance to witness this debacle?

I was reminded I had little to no upper body strength. Why did I never learn how to do a proper push-up? I heard a few "Whoas" and "You got this, Mommy" from the peanut gallery. Not really helpful, but there was no turning back this nightmare. I took a deep breath, dug deep, and pulled myself back up into a standing, more dignified position, on this ridiculous challenge.
It worked! I crossed the finish line.

Well, that was exciting. The kids and I headed to the snack counter. What a morning. As I took my wallet out to pay, the new rope burn on my pinky smarted. How do I let these things happen, I wondered.  But that moment, Tatiana and Angelica gave me a big hug,  smiled, and told me they were proud of me.

Then I knew why.