I'm blessed to have good friends. Nothing's better than like-minded people enjoying each other's company, whether they're male or female. However, this raises the age-old question of whether men and women can be "just friends."
There is no topic more hotly debated over dinner or at cocktail parties among friends, family and spouses, nor has there been a juicier premise for movies like "When Harry Met Sally." Yet the question largely goes unanswered.
Day-to-day life is proof positive that men and women do indeed coexist at work and at play, and get along just fine, thank you very much. Strong, healthy friendships between opposite sexes abound. But are they all innocent?
Are these friendships between men and women -- whose activities and get-togethers are one-on-one and do not include or involve their respective significant others or families -- all an ingenious facade to cover up the romantic impulses bubbling underneath, dying to burst forth?
Are the "let's-take-cooking-classes-together" and the "I'm-sorry-you-broke-up-with-Charlie-but-I'm-happy-to-be-your-plus-one-for-your-best-friend's-wedding," as well as the "Let's-hang-out-and-watch-the-Twilight-Zone-marathon-all-weekend-because-we-both-have-no-plans," all a ruse to mask men's true feelings of desire for their female friends?
On the other hand, are women forging and nurturing friendships with men in the hopes that someday it will lead to more (i.e., dating and wedding bells)? And is it even appropriate in polite society for single women to be "just friends" with married men, or married women with single men? After all, these friendships could be perilous to current romantic relationships.
Women emphatically agree that heterosexual men and women can absolutely be the best of friends. Many go so far as to say they've been chummy with men their entire lives, preferring them over their gal pals, exclaiming, "I can't imagine my life without Joey (or Ricky or Gustavo or Sam)... he's like a brother to me!" It''s all on the up and up, they say, and they have nothing to hide.
Women can rattle off the male friends in all the different pockets of their lives: male friends from high school, male friends from college, male friends from the office (especially the guy in accounting who always seems available for lunch or after-work drinks), and male friends from the children's school. Then there are male friends from the kids' sports teams, karate classes or trombone lessons. The list is endless.
Apparently, male friendships bring more simplicity, less drama, more humor, less competition, more honesty, and the ever-so-important male point of view. And yes, all the male attention doesn't hurt, either.
Wait, what?! Male attention? What is that all about? Are all these men in so-called platonic friendships patiently waiting on the queue of love for their turn to be their female friends' main squeezes? And if so, is that so bad? After all, aren't the best relationships and marriages built on a solid foundation of friendship?
So this got me thinking. Is my husband, Michael (whose closest friends and confidantes are not women, by the way, sparing me lots of agita), onto something when he kids that all men who are "just friends" with women do not have "just friendship" on the brain? That timing is everything and these dudes are just waiting for the "right time?"
Are all male friends just twiddling their thumbs, offering to be the shoulder to cry on, the guy to call to carry heavy stuff or unclog the bathroom drain, in the secret, high hopes that eventually, in a weak moment, they will be promoted to male lead in the romantic comedy called life? Probably.
Men are quick to admit that their sexual impulses for female friends are constantly lurking in the back of their minds and it's simply harder for them to be friends with women when there's underlying physical attraction, which there usually is. Therefore, they choose to suppress it -- friends WITHOUT benefits -- so as not to lose the friendship altogether.
Nevertheless, it's definitely brewing and is usually one flirty move, innocent touch, or accidental kiss (I know, there are no such things as accidents, especially the lip-locking kind) away from spilling over and jeopardizing the status quo. Some men jokingly, yet thoughtfully, admit that they are just "patiently taking what they can get for now," waiting to pounce when women least expect it. Hmm... really?
Recent scientific research suggests that men and women can certainly be friends but that there is oftentimes some degree of sexual tension. In fact, the men and women polled said that the attraction, whatever level it may be, affords fun and excitement that same-sex friendships cannot offer.
In the study, 88 pairs of heterosexual, college-aged, male-female friends were interviewed separately and confidentially about their unspoken attraction for the other, if any. The results were interesting and hardly shocked me.
The men, with little exception, reported about 25% more attraction for their women friends than the women reported for their male friends. As if that weren't enough in the ulterior motives department, these men reported that they also believed their women friends felt the same way about them, which was simply not true, according to the poll.
These assumptions made by the men were based on their attraction to the women, not the actual attraction reciprocated by the women to them. Basically, men assumed that the attraction they felt for their female friends was mutual, but it wasn't.
Also with exception, women were generally not attracted to their male friends, content to be purely platonic in the friendship, while the men were overestimating the level of attraction their female friends had for them. Conversely, female friends were underestimating the how much and how often their male buddies imagined seeing them sans clothing and in dim lighting.
So there you have it, the results of one study that was not the first and will certainly not be the last. And the debate rages on. Personally, I'm lucky to have two best friends, my husband and my mother, as well as two sisters who I know I can trust implicitly.
My other handful of truly close friends belong in that exclusive friendship tier not because they are men or women, but because they possess three things I look for in a friend: a generous heart, a sense of humor and likeness of mind.
Do some of my guy friends secretly think of me romantically? Maybe. Who knows. Who cares.
After all, you can't control what others think or do... you only have the power to control your own thoughts and actions. As long as my friends, male or female, treat me with thoughtful kindness and respect, as I treat them, then I'm a happy camper.
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